Keeping Marriage Healthy

KEEPING MARRIAGE HEALTHY: “Choose your love, love your choice.” -Thomas S. Monson

The three C’s to a Healthy Marriage

  1. Commitment –
    • “Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other” -The Family: A Proclamation to the World
    • Personal dedication – intentional decision & desire to stay in marriage for mutual benefit
      • intentional personal dedication – you invest in the relationship, and seek your husband’s welfare
      • exclusive cleaving & unity – you husband is preeminent in your life – nothing social, occupational, or political takes its place
      • practice spirituality together – couples who practice faith together are more committed and less likely to have conflict
        6 Quick, Life-changing Insights from Elder Bednar’s New Book:
      • Don’t fall into a constraint commitment – forces or costs that keep you in a relationship even if ending it is also necessitated
    • Write down the experience of deciding to marry him when the time comes, to reflect on
  2. Connection –
    • TRUE MARITAL LOVE EMERGES FROM PROFOUND FRIENDSHIP
    • Find out what makes your husband happy & do it out of love
    • Talk as friends – don’t always be a “debbie downer”
      • Give full attention, look each other in the eyes
      • TAKE EACH OTHER’S SIDE
      • Not about the job & the kids & the problems all the time
      • AVOID unsolicited advice
    • Respond to bids for connection:
      • make an effort to do things together
      • talk. talk. talk. especially at the end of the day
      • do something each day to express affection & appreciationImage result for i love you because whiteboard
  3. Conflict: or the lack of it
    • Ratio of positive to negative comments should be at least 5:1
      • Don’t necessarily count, but if thinks are particularly hard something to keep in mind
    • Focus on spouse’s positive qualities – make & share lists for each other

      “When we look for the worst in anyone, we will find it. But if we will concentrate on the best, that element will grow until it sparkles.”
      -Gordon B. Hinckley “Loyalty”

    • Exercise – find time to let off steam when things get hard

      Elder LeGrand Richards of the Council of the Twelve, who performed our temple wedding, told us, “Whenever you feel like arguing, take a walk outdoors in opposite directions. If you will do this, you’ll both get a lot of fresh air and become great outdoorsmen.” There’s truth beneath the humor. The physical exercise can change our emotional state as well as give us time to think through the problem and let the intensity of the emotion fade away.
      “I Have a Question” – Ensign October 1980

    • Make decisions together
    • Respectfully handle differences – maybe even try arguing each other’s sides

Questions to ask yourself from Sister Linda K. Burton:

  1. When was the last time I sincerely praised my companion, either alone or in the presence of our children?
  2. When was the last time I thanked, expressed love for, or earnestly pleaded in faith for him or her in prayer?
  3. When was the last time I stopped myself from saying something I knew could be hurtful?
  4. When was the last time I apologized and humbly asked for forgiveness—without adding the words “but if only you had” or “but if only you hadn’t”?
  5. When was the last time I chose to be happy rather than demanding to be “right”?

MARRIAGE & PARENTING:

How to be successful:

Seek greater balance between parent, worker, & spouse roles

Share expectations – and frequently check-up

Negotiate an agenda

Adopt an experimental attitude – this is a learning process, together

Make time to talk to each other

Don’t ignore intimacy & sex

Co-parenting:

Many mothers dis-empower fathers – allow him to be involved & be positive about it

Let go & step back

Examine your standards: learn to value his way of caring & cleaning

TRUST HIM

Encourage him to spend time with the kids.

Make joint decisions – be on each other’s team

Finally: JUST KEEP WORKING AT IT

Goals I have for my marriage:

  • To be a united front
    • I will do my best to avoid talking about my husband to my kids even if we don’t agree, when it comes to parenting decisions we will talk them over and make decisions together whenever possible
    • 10 day challenge to speak well of eachother: Why Speaking Well of Your Spouse Is So Important
  • To take time to talk every night
    • My parents were a great example of this, they would send us kids to bed and then watch the news together and talk about their days
    • Talking is so important because communication is key as illustrated in the section above
    • Consider reading this for advice: Dr. Phil’s Six Rules of Talking and Listening
  • To set specific goals together for our eternal progression
    • This is really important to me because I feel like a lot of YA feel like marriage is the end goal, but afterwards we must continue progressing by setting goals in all aspects of life:
      • Types of goals
        • Lifetime: find happiness in marriage by reading our scriptures together daily, raise kids who can make their own decisions by giving them the opportunities to do so
        • Short-term: run a marathon together, clean the house once a week
        • Long-term: save money to travel together

Citations:

L. Walker, Lecture 21: Healthy Marriage, SFL 240, Winter 2017.

 

 

 

Keeping Marriage Healthy ·         Things of interest you want to remember

·         Note at least 3 goals you have for keeping your marriage healthy before and after you have children

·         How do you plan to meet these goals (detailed support from research)

·         Supplemental materials

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